


Your Light Consumes Me

by ventandvent



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, POV Carmilla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:24:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3202346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ventandvent/pseuds/ventandvent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla POV, or the one where Laura gives Carmilla a reason to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Light Consumes Me

It’s not until she laughs that you see a light in the darkness. It’s not until she laughs that you start to see a way out.

It’s not until she smiles that you drop your smirk and stare at her beaming face. It’s not until she smiles that you feel a pull in your chest that you haven’t felt for centuries.

_(You don’t deserve friends._

_You don’t deserve love._

_You don’t deserve anything.)_

**//**

She shines so bright. Her light shines so bright that you can’t focus from the blinding light. Her eyes piece you together and you can’t escape being fixed, ( _but you don’t want to.)_

 _(Laura.)_ You let her name roll over your tongue.

 _(Laura.)_ You let her name become the reason you want to start living.

 _(Laura.)_ You let her name bring you out of the dark.

**//**

It’s not until she hears your story that you realise how long it’s been since you let someone in. It’s not until her eyes focus on yours you realise how hard your chest feels when someone pays attention to your pain.

It’s not until her hand lands on your thigh you realise she’s more than just a girl; she’s your saving grace. It’s not until she hides behind you that you realise you’ve found someone you want to protect.

She’s your warmth, your comfort, your light.

You don’t just want to share dreams anymore; you want to share beds and lives and love.

**//**

_(You’re drowning. You’re dying. You’re already dead. You’re a monster. You’re a monster. You’re a monster.)_

It’s not until you can see happiness in the distance that you feel the pain that’s always there.

(Ebbing and flowing).

It’s not until you try to be normal that it comes flooding back, controlling and terrifying.

(Ebbing and flowing).

It’s not until she makes you laugh that you turn and hide your laugh in shame.

(Ebbing and flowing).

You’re a monster. Monsters don’t laugh. Monsters can’t laugh.

(Ebbing and flowing).

It’s not until you care that you realise you can’t, not because you can’t but you shouldn’t. She’ll get hurt.  _Laura_ will get hurt.  _Laura._

**//**

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

The words ring in your ears. You scream to muffle them out. You hurt yourself to stop feeling pain. You hurt yourself but it doesn’t stop the pain.

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

Laura doesn’t understand. You don’t care about the rest of them. It’s you and her. You and her. But you know she doesn’t feel the same.

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

It’s Ell all over again. Your head hurts and your body caves into itself. You don’t know what to do, you don’t know how to get her back.

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

You force yourself to get up, but after that, no force is required.

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

Your body takes you where it will, the sword hurts, the sword helps, the sword makes you forget.

“Just go away, Carmilla.”

You save her, you save her friends. You dive, you fall, its black, you’re gone. You’re gone.

**//**

Laura is the first thing you think of. But her name is not the first thing you say.

 _(I love you.)_ It’s the second thing you think. It’s not the second thing you say.

All that matters is you’re back with her. And its not until you hold her in your arms there’s only one thing that matters. It’s not until you lean forward and seek permission in her eyes you find hope for something more. It’s not until she kisses you back, that for the first time in your life you let the light consume you.

_(The light. It shines so bright.)_

She kisses you back and giggles into your mouth and spills tears onto your lips.

_(Her light. She shines so bright.)_

She kisses you again and this time it’s her initiative. You rejoice as you sing as you cry as you smile all in one shaky laugh.

_(Her light outshines the darkness.)_

She’s here with you finally. You are here with here. You love her.

_(There’s no more darkness left.)_

And suddenly you don’t feel like a monster anymore. You don’t feel like you deserve nothing. You don’t feel the pain and the bruises and the scars.

_(The light is bliss and she engulfs you.)_

Suddenly you know you could start to get used to this. Suddenly you know you could deserve love. Laura’s love.

**Author's Note:**

> All fics on this page are posted from my Tumblr: (hollsteinie.tumblr.com)


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